I am compelled to just write and to just spill all of my guts out onto the digital page in whatever manner or fashion that happens to appear in. I am at a crossroads in my life to the point that I feel truly and utterly lost. I have no idea where to go from here. I have no idea what to make. I am putting one foot in front of the other, but to what end? I have no destination. I desire nothing more of life than I have right now. I know it is too difficult to maintain anything more than what I have right now. I know the pain of loss too well and I can't bear it's cross again...is that too dramatic? Yeah, that's probably too dramatic, huh? I mean...it just so happens that I...oh, fuck it, never mind. I concede. It was too dramatic. Fuck me anyway. I am kind of over it. And if anyone read this blog this would register as some sort of a suicide note I suppose...but the real joke if it all is that no one does read this and I am going to wake up in the morning and still be alive because I've gone through these motions before over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over so many god damn times that I can't even stand to hear myself talk about it anymore, but I can't keep it all bottled up in my head anymore either so I just need to let it all spill out, you know? I don't think I will ever feel or know true love again, I don't think I will ever allow myself to be capable of it, I don't feel like I am human anymore, I don't feel like the people around me feel...even some of the other people who are like me, I don't feel as human as they seem to want to be or something...I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore, honestly. Does any of this make any sense? Of course it doesn't, but does it? I mean, I need some honest feedback here, because I'm kind of losing my god damn mind...I'm sick of only getting the straight word from the god damn psychic voices in my head and I call them angels because when I died I saw god but it wasn't any god that you know and they aren't any angels that you've heard of...it's something different completely but it's out there and it exists and I've seen all of it and I hear them and they speak to me and they move me in the right direction but I can't seem to get out of god damn bed anymore...seriously, it's the only place I want to be. I just want to fucking curl up into a ball and give up and surrender and just...fuckkkkkkkkkkk....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK....I agreed to all of this, and that's the fuck of it all, is that I agreed to all of this when I died. I looked god straight in the cloud and I told her...I have no idea what I told her, actually, I just remember she gave me a choice and then I woke up, so I must have agreed...so I'm here...I'm fucking here, I AM FUCKING HERE GOD DAMMIT OKAY? Just so we are clear on that, I'm fucking here, and I am staying here and I am going to save the GOD DAMN FUCKING WORLD, but it would be nice if I COULD JUST HAVE ONE GOD DAMN FUCKING NICE THING FOR CHRIST SAKES! JESUS CHRSIT GOD DAMNDSKFN:ALSKFSKLBF:LSKFJ
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FUCK
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It's cool, I'm cool. we're all cool..be cool.
Yeah, it's perfect, it's the perfect night and I'm driving and she's sitting right next to me, and we're both 17 and her blonde hair is flowing in the wind and she's my first love and it was all so innocent but it was all so twisted and sick and corrupted by the cult that our parents were in...jesus...it's all so twisted. I can't even have nice memories, can I? I seriously can't. I seriously can't...it's fucking sick...I can't even look back on my first love and think of how wonderful that was without feeling like a pervert and a failure and a god damn pathetic loser.
What is up with these human bodies?
They must be defective...this one I'm in is for sure...I hate it...I feel so human sometimes and I god damn hate it. I hate more than anything when I feel human...it makes me feel weak and it makes me feel soft. It makes me feel...like a fucking parasite. I hate it so much. They stink and they are weak.
Whatever.
Fucking whatever.
I agreed to this.
I agreed to this.
I agreed to this.
I agreed to this.
I agreed to this.
I agreed to this.
I agreed to this.
I agreeed to this.
I agreeeeed to his
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