Because it is THE allegory for life.
Not THE Al Gore of life...which is very very VERY similar, but if we are going to be completely honest with each other right now, I would not eat Al Gore, even if I cooked him myself and was sure that the meat was handled properly.
No, the onion is perfect because it is round.
That's it.
You might be saying to yourself "The onion is not round, it is roundish maybe, but it is not a perfectly rounded shape, in fact it has a very specific shape. It's shaped like an onion."
But you see, now we have already sparked a debate about the nature of reality haven't we?
Who are you to tell me what round is?
You have no idea who I am, where I have been, the kind of life I have lived, and the sorts of round things I have seen.
Okay, so fine we can agree that the onion is round...ish...and we can agree that I live in a world of hard angles and you live in a bubble so the onion meets somewhere in the middle, fine...but what does this have to do with life?
Well a lot of deep thinkers, much deeper than I, have waxed poetically about the many layers of the onion and how when you peel the many layers away you get down to the true center of it all...which only makes sense to me because an onion makes you cry as you peel the layers off of it and every time I have seen someones life fall apart layer by layer, they also usually cry a lot.
But then there are much deeper thinkers than those deep thinkers who believe that the onion is a better metaphor for string theory, such in that it is a prime example of the stacked dimensions that we live inside of, and on top of, and outside of, and around, and maybe even a few dimensions that we actually embody. Who knows, right? I mean...there are people who say they know, and I have seen their math equations, but I am not very impressed by people who can prove things mathematically because I personally can't understand math on such an advanced level so it actually kind of negates the whole idea of "proof" if 98% of the global population can't even fucking comprehend what you're talking about.
That's not proving anything...that's kind of like when the Catholic church refused to translate the bible into anything but Latin and then wouldn't teach anyone how to speak or read in Latin and then they were like "Trust us, string theory is real, look at this onion and some math."
The thing that I actually find fascinating about that little sentence that I just wrote is how angry I am sure people will become by pointing out how similar the new world of science is to the old world of god.
I'm sure science is different...an intangible explanation of an incomprehensible existence.
Science is clearly better because we know so much more now...I am not in disagreement with that, but it sure is interesting how "science" has become "the word" and you do not argue with "the word".
Anyway...all of this was bullshit today.
The real reason why an Onion is the perfect allegory for life is because it burns, it makes you cry, it stinks, it makes you stink, and yet it's super healthy for you and kind of delicious.
I don't know who started cooking up all of this bullshit about what life "should" be, because they started cooking it up long before I got to this planet, but it needs to stop. Humanity is such a self absorbed mess that they truly believe life "SHOULD" be anything. Who the fuck are you to look at this life, and demand anything of it? It's so egotistical.
You are one tiny insignificant spec in one frame of one scene of an inconceivable amount of film and you think you have what it takes to be the director?
Would you like to know what life is? Because I can tell you.
Life is everything.
Every single fucking thing that you can possibly imagine, that is what life is, and it is all of those things, happening simultaneously, all around you and YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER IT.
Life is ugly and beautiful, and it doesn't need to take turns being one or the other, it's both at the same fucking time and it's not going to ask permission or forgiveness.
I've seen it on other planets, so I know that it is possible...I don't know what the fuck your problem is here on Earth, we have been trying to help you understand this since before you even started recording history (This time around), and we are going to keep trying but I swear to god I am running out of patience.
If you were to walk in to your friends house, and it was clearly a mess, but your friend was being super cool and invited you over for dinner (not to clean their house) but instead of dinner you just walked around pointing out how filthy their house was, and then you didn't offer to clean anything, and then you ate the dinner that they cooked and before you left you were like "Man, that dinner was a gift, but your house is a giant pile of shit and I outlined very clearly in detail where your main problems are so that you can clean that shit up."
You wouldn't have that friend anymore.
So why do all of you pretend that life is a gift but then go around pointing out how shitty and messy things are? Or worse, make giant fucking messes yourself?
If life is a gift...CLEAN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE AND SHOW SOME FUCKING APPRECIATION THAT SOMEBODY COOKED YOU DINNER YOU UNGRATEfUL WHINEY PIECES OF SHIT.
Jesus Christ.
You don't need to put up with these lying abusive politicians and you don't need to keep scraping and clawing at other people for money that is worthless, and you don't need name brands and fossil fuel designer cars and radiation filled sushi.
But what do I know?
I'm just the asshole with a box of onions.
-Dane